STRUGGLE TO FORGIVE

Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Rahim Alhamdulillahi rabbil-‘alamin was-Salatu was-Salam ‘ala Sayyidil-Mursalin wa ‘ala ‘Alihi wa Sahbihi Ajma’in. As Salamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

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Q1: Do you still have resentment with someone or do you know acquaintances who have been offended by each other for a long time and what do you think about the reasons behind these long quarrels?

As believers, we all accept the validation of contentment in Islam by several verses and hadith. One of them is, “The state of resentment is considered valid in Islam, taking into consideration that there can be controversy on any issue between believers; however, it is stated that it must not last more than three days. (Bukhari, Adab, 57, 62; Muslim, Birr, 23, 25). Therefore, there should be no doubt that this is a fact and as Muslims, we must welcome this as a test.

Although several reasons for contentment can be sorted, these may be grouped as insisting on being right and unrealistic expectations. First, let us examine the reason for “insisting on being right “. There should be no such thing called “being right” in a relationship, since insisting on being right is a result of Nafs and this is also because of arrogance. Thus, instead of focusing on being right, thinking about how to solve the issue must be prioritized. The second reason is “unrealistic expectations”, which means without knowing the background of the people having over-expectation about some specific topics. This is indeed due to the lack of empathy and communication. Hence, the expectation at first should be limited. However, after a certain milestone, that requires a lot of empathy and communication history, we may have further expectations accordingly. Yet, those again would be limited by the experience.

To conclude the first question, it would be great to mention a saying that has been discussed in the meeting. It says “Forgive and do not Forget!”. This saying tells us that for a human it is virtuous to forgive; on the other hand, it is not good to forget. Be humble and forgive; be smart and remember so that you could approach accordingly.

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Q2: What kind of attitude should be followed in such resentment situations as a Muslim and what kind of approaches can we develop to solve this problem in our societies?

It is highly stressed throughout the Qur’an that patience and forgiveness are encouraged. To illustrate, Allah says in surah-al Hujurat (49:10) “The believers are but brothers, so make peace between your brothers; and keep from disobedience to God in reverence for Him and piety (particularly in your duties toward one another as brothers), so that you may be shown mercy (granted a good, virtuous life in the world as individuals and as a community, and eternal happiness in the Hereafter). Allah also says in surat-an Nahl (16:96) “Whatever you have will end, but what Allah has is lasting. And We will surely give those who were patient their reward according to the best of what they used to do.” In addition, the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) said, “The better of those two Muslims is the one who greets the other first” (Tajrid-i Sarih).

As a Passengers group, we have presented humble solution steps for resentments. These are like the following;

1. Identify the reason.

   1. Is it because of you or the other one?

      1. Ask for forgiveness.

      2. Forgive, if you are asked.

2. Prepare the solution

   1. Educate yourself.

      1. What does Islam teach us?

      2. What would Prophet (p.b.u.h) do?

   2. Ask people who are not involved.

   3. Ask yourself that if s/he would die tomorrow, what would you think?

3. Take an action

Before finishing the report, a saying belonging to a Turkish scholar should be given since it suits the issue well.

Three things empower a Muslim:

• To go to someone who does not come.

• To give to someone, who does not give.

• Love someone who does not love.